With regard to building self esteem, and according to the National Association for Self-Esteem: “Young children typically base their self-esteem primarily on the feedback they receive from others, with the parents exercising the greatest impact. After age 4 they begin to consider their competence at different activities. By age 7 children typically base their self-esteem on three domains: academic success, social acceptance and physical prowess. As they enter adolescence they shift from the importance of feedback from parents to feedback from peers. At this age their level of self-esteem is normally based upon six domains or contingencies: inherited endowments, social acceptance, feeling unique and worthy of respect, feeling in control of one’s life, moral virtue or integrity, and one’s accomplishments, including academic success. How one appears to others, athletic prowess, and popularity become particularly important at this age, though these are all external sources for self-esteem.” In this article, parents will learn tips to improve self-esteem in their teens.

“The way we parent matters,” explains Po Bronson, co-author of the groundbreaking book Nurtureshock, which posits that our whole approach to building self esteem in teens has been misguided. “Offering praise has become a sort of panacea for the anxieties of modern parenting,” Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman write in their book. “Out of our children’s lives from breakfast to dinner, we turn it up a notch when we get home. In those few hours together, we want them to hear the things we can’t say during the day, such as we are in your corner, we are here for you, we believe in you. In a similar way, we put our children in high-pressure environments, seeking out the best schools we can find, and then using constant praise to soften the intensity of those environments. We expect so much of them, but we hide our expectations behind constant glowing praise. Eventually, in my final stage of praise withdrawal, I realized that not telling my son he was smart meant I was leaving it up to him to make his own conclusion about his intelligence. Jumping in with praise is like jumping in too soon with the answer to a homework problem—it robs him of the chance to make the deduction himself.” Since teenagers are so independent, parents are better off praising their kids’ study habits and efforts more than their achievements to inspire them to work harder.

When building self esteem, parents must be discerning and careful about how they praise their teens. “You’ll do better next time” is a toxic lie to a child who has just failed a test. In fact, it’s this very lie that leads many students to cheat on tests because they haven’t developed a strategy for handling failure, argues Michigan scholar Jennifer Crocker. She goes on to say that a child who does not have the opportunity to discuss mistakes can’t learn from them. In one interesting study of fifth graders, Dr. Florrie Ng of the University of Illinois gave American and Chinese students a short IQ test. While their moms sat in the waiting room, half the kids were randomly given a really hard test (where they could only possibly get half right) so they would feel a sense of failure. After a five minute break, researchers told the mothers their kids’ scores but added that it “represented a below-average result.” The kids were allowed a short discussion with their moms and then returned to take the second part of the test. The American mothers avoided making negative comments and instead remained positive, changing the subject to other topics like what was for dinner. The Chinese mothers told their children, “You didn’t concentrate when doing it” or “Let’s look over your test,” where they looked at some of the answers. After the break, the Chinese students improved 33%, more than twice that of the Americans. The lesson to be learned here is that children and teenagers can build self esteem through hard work and prompting by their parents, not with vapid platitudes and empty praises.

Parents can pass down many skills that will be helpful for teens who are building self esteem. For instance, a smile or a hug will often lighten up a teen’s mood. Instruct teens to stand with good posture, make eye contact and act boldly even when they feel a little timid. Emphasize the fact that “nobody’s perfect” and that everyone feels insecure sometimes. However, they can learn how to improve self confidence by breaking from that nay-saying voice in their head and doing their best. Show them how time management and being prepared can cut down on stress and improve academic performance. Teens must have priorities and put school first, but they should also have hobbies, activities and interests outside of school that they are passionate about — whether it be sports, a musical instrument or a special club. These activities help children discover their talents on their own, which is much more psychologically rewarding than any praise from teachers, parents or peers.

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