March 8, 2010
How To Build Self Esteem In Teens
With regard to building self esteem, and according to the National Association for Self-Esteem: “Young children typically base their self-esteem primarily on the feedback they receive from others, with the parents exercising the greatest impact. After age 4 they begin to consider their competence at different activities. By age 7 children typically base their self-esteem on three domains: academic success, social acceptance and physical prowess. As they enter adolescence they shift from the importance of feedback from parents to feedback from peers. At this age their level of self-esteem is normally based upon six domains or contingencies: inherited endowments, social acceptance, feeling unique and worthy of respect, feeling in control of one’s life, moral virtue or integrity, and one’s accomplishments, including academic success. How one appears to others, athletic prowess, and popularity become particularly important at this age, though these are all external sources for self-esteem.” In this article, parents will learn tips to improve self-esteem in their teens.
“The way we parent matters,” explains Po Bronson, co-author of the groundbreaking book Nurtureshock, which posits that our whole approach to building self esteem in teens has been misguided. “Offering praise has become a sort of panacea for the anxieties of modern parenting,” Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman write in their book. “Out of our children’s lives from breakfast to dinner, we turn it up a notch when we get home. In those few hours together, we want them to hear the things we can’t say during the day, such as we are in your corner, we are here for you, we believe in you. In a similar way, we put our children in high-pressure environments, seeking out the best schools we can find, and then using constant praise to soften the intensity of those environments. We expect so much of them, but we hide our expectations behind constant glowing praise. Eventually, in my final stage of praise withdrawal, I realized that not telling my son he was smart meant I was leaving it up to him to make his own conclusion about his intelligence. Jumping in with praise is like jumping in too soon with the answer to a homework problem—it robs him of the chance to make the deduction himself.” Since teenagers are so independent, parents are better off praising their kids’ study habits and efforts more than their achievements to inspire them to work harder.
When building self esteem, parents must be discerning and careful about how they praise their teens. “You’ll do better next time” is a toxic lie to a child who has just failed a test. In fact, it’s this very lie that leads many students to cheat on tests because they haven’t developed a strategy for handling failure, argues Michigan scholar Jennifer Crocker. She goes on to say that a child who does not have the opportunity to discuss mistakes can’t learn from them. In one interesting study of fifth graders, Dr. Florrie Ng of the University of Illinois gave American and Chinese students a short IQ test. While their moms sat in the waiting room, half the kids were randomly given a really hard test (where they could only possibly get half right) so they would feel a sense of failure. After a five minute break, researchers told the mothers their kids’ scores but added that it “represented a below-average result.” The kids were allowed a short discussion with their moms and then returned to take the second part of the test. The American mothers avoided making negative comments and instead remained positive, changing the subject to other topics like what was for dinner. The Chinese mothers told their children, “You didn’t concentrate when doing it” or “Let’s look over your test,” where they looked at some of the answers. After the break, the Chinese students improved 33%, more than twice that of the Americans. The lesson to be learned here is that children and teenagers can build self esteem through hard work and prompting by their parents, not with vapid platitudes and empty praises.
Parents can pass down many skills that will be helpful for teens who are building self esteem. For instance, a smile or a hug will often lighten up a teen’s mood. Instruct teens to stand with good posture, make eye contact and act boldly even when they feel a little timid. Emphasize the fact that “nobody’s perfect” and that everyone feels insecure sometimes. However, they can learn how to improve self confidence by breaking from that nay-saying voice in their head and doing their best. Show them how time management and being prepared can cut down on stress and improve academic performance. Teens must have priorities and put school first, but they should also have hobbies, activities and interests outside of school that they are passionate about — whether it be sports, a musical instrument or a special club. These activities help children discover their talents on their own, which is much more psychologically rewarding than any praise from teachers, parents or peers.
Sarah Lomas is a foremost expert in how to treat yeast infection. She has had extensive experience and conducted countless experiments in finding natural remedy to treat yeast infection. She is also a highly acclaimed writer in the yeast infection field.
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If you’re looking for a better life with self improvement, you won’t find a miracle cure contained within the pages of a book. However, a number of self-help books are helping individuals find new strategies for dealing with negative thoughts and low esteem. They can also discuss people who have been through similar turmoils and what they did to find lasting happiness in the end. You’ll come across practical, life-changing advice and helpful activities to get you on the right path. Before you purchase a book to help you improve self esteem, take a look at the author’s qualifications and get recommendations from therapists. Understand that it takes a lot of work to build self esteem, but if you’re ready to start working on feeling positive about your life, then it’s worth every minute invested.
Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns M.D. (1999) is one of the most highly acclaimed books on building a better life through self improvement. Dr. Burns has an impressive roster as the Adjunct Clinical Professor Emeritus in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the Stanford University School of Medicine, a Visiting Scholar at the Harvard Medical School and Acting Chief of Psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania Medical Center in Philadelphia. His book about how to feel good about yourself had sold more than 4 million copies and was rated as the “best self-help book for depressed individuals” by 500 mental health professionals’ analysis of over 1,000 books. His follow-up, The Feeling Good Handbook, came in at #2. In the book, Dr. Burns helps individuals recognize the root cause of harmful mood swings, nip negativity in the bud, deal with guilt, handle criticism, overcome addiction to love and build self-esteem. This book can be purchased at www.amazon.com for $8.
Tom Rath’s Strengths Finder 2.0 (2007) is a Barnes and Nobles, Wall Street Journal and New York Times bestseller on how to create a better life with self improvement by discovering your strengths. Rath has been a Global Practice Leader with Gallup for 14 years and leads workplace leadership and consulting worldwide. His books arrive after studying over 20,000 business leaders. In his 2.0 version, you will be able to get a personalized action plan drawing off your top five strengths. You can buy this book about how to build self confidence and be positive about your life at www.amazon.com for $13.41 and if you like it, you may also want to read Rath’s other books — Strengths-Based Leadership (2009) and How Full Is Your Bucket? Positive Strategies for Work and Home (2004).
Published in 1937, Dale Carnegie’s How To Win Friends & Influence People is still considered a leader in the world of building a better life with self improvement. He argues that the key to financial success is not so much professional knowledge, but is 85% based on “the ability to express ideas, to assume leadership, and to arouse enthusiasm among people.” His tips for improving self confidence involve how to communicate better with other people, how to make good first impressions, how to interest others, how to be a good conversationalist and how to win arguments. If you find that you’re perpetually frustrated with work relationships or social tensions, this is definitely the best book to develop self esteem and assemble the skills necessary to get your way more often than not. You can buy this book for $14.96 through www.amazon.com.
Beth Kaminski is the co-author of Curing Your Anxiety And Panic Attacks which detailed panic attacks help as well as tips on the various medications for panic disorder available at www.anxietydisordercure.com.
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